Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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