im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
