Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
