I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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