ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
this hospital has no fireball
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
