listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
