we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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