even my farts smell like vagina
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
