Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
