This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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