Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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