Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
