I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Someone shattered a urinal.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
