oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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