So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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