Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
