Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
