I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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