Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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