you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just want nice things and good sex
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
