i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
