I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
