Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
