All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
