our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
