from now on my penis is your penis
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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