Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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