...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
