he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
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Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
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I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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