i was born a porn star she said
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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