In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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