I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
