i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
