Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
