i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
