So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dick very happy bro
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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