he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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