Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
