I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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