You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
