p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
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Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
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Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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