get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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