I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
