you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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