It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
