So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
