I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
