Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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