call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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