he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
