I've blown a few things in my day
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Boobs speak an international language.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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