I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
