I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I AM VODKA MAN
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
