Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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