I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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