I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
