I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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