you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
