Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
