Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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