and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
