I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
