there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
why do cheetos always look like penises
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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